Suicide
by bluecrushsurfergirl
Summary: All I could think about was Gray. Tears burned my eyes, but I refused to let them fall. He wasn't worth it - I was stronger than that. I was going to die. I have no purpose of living any longer. Rated T for cutting and character death, suicide.
1. Chapter 1

All I could think about was Gray.

His smile, his laugh. He's perfect to me… but I'm not to him… He doesn't want me.. Where did I go wrong?

Don't I have sleeping pills stored somewhere? There it is.

Take just two… it read… who gives a damn about what it reads? Not me, that's for sure. Maybe I should just die already… why am I still here, anyway? What's my purpose of living? If he doesn't want me… well… everyone's been trying to cheer me up.

I didn't even know what I did.

But he left me, for her.

She tricked him. Poisoned his mind, I know that. Because I didn't do anything. We never fought, not until that night, when she just spoke to him, she was so jealous of us that she did it. He confronted me then.

* * *

"_You cheated on me?!"_

"_No!"_

"_I don't believe you." He said. It hurt so much, I thought he trusted me…_

"_I'm telling the truth, you have to believe me, Gray!" I pleaded. "Where would you even get such a horrible idea! I-"_

"_Don't lie!" He hollered. "Juvia told me, and I know she'd never lie."_

_That witch._

"_She's lying!" I reasoned. "She's just SO jealous of us that-"_

"_Stop it! She'd never do that! You know what? I'm leaving."_

* * *

He left, I was alone.

He wished he didn't save me all of those countless of times….

He wished he let me die… so just let me die then…

"There's always cutting." I muttered.

Then I remembered.

* * *

_I let one last tear trickle down my cheek, as I pressed the blade onto my wrist._

_For a moment, I couldn't feel anything. Nothing, just emptiness. Several more tears escaped my eyes and fell to the floor with a splash. I let the blade slip away from my hand and plummet to the ground with a clash. The metal blade met the cold stone floor with a ringing sensation that echoed through my ears._

_I had failed, yet another time. I couldn't do anything right. I couldn't even cut away the pain, the pain I deserved so very much. Why was the universe denying this from me?_

_Then it hit me, all at once. First the fire sensation riveting through my wrist, it hurt, it ached, it burned as I held back a scream. Then a new blaze scorched and seared through my body. The torment didn't seize my body this time, a different vibe replaced the old discomfort, a new thrill that sent my body into a frenzy and the adrenaline rushing._

_I stared at it, a drop of blood smudged its way down to the palm of my hand and dripped onto the floor. Several more took its place. My eyes were now clouded with tears, unable to fall, I swiped away the tears with my now-empty right hand and stared down at the mess of my left hand._

_Blood now oozed from the slit and formed a pool of crimson-red liquid at the base of my knees. I quickly grabbed a cloth from the nearby chair and pressed it against my sweltering, hot skin._

_The initial touch of the cloth irritated the wound and I cringed in discomfort. I pushed back the tears willing to fall and bit my top teeth down on my bottom lip as I increased the pressure on the wound._

_It hurt._

* * *

I sighed, it was the one thing I couldn't handle.

Pain.

I opened the bottle.

He hates me, he's said it countless of times. "Well then.." I said. "Then it's one for every time he said he hated me."

He glares at me every time he sees me.

"And one for every time he glared at me." I said.

There were so many in my hand, I didn't even know I had grabbed this many, so much hate… so many glares… so much love for him and her…

They had gotten together over the Summer. I was devastated. How could he have gotten over me so quickly? I couldn't even cry anymore, because that would show how much I missed him. And I couldn't let him see that. Because they would just laugh at m like I was pathetic, maybe Gray wouldn't, maybe he'd feel sorry for me… but Juvia would…

I still remember what she told me when they started dating.

* * *

"_Gray-sama, is Juvia's now… got it? Juvia doesn't want you anywhere near Gray-sama."_

"_Bitch," I said. "You told gray that I cheated on him… didn't you!"_

_She laughed. "Yes, Lucy-san. But you can't ever tell him that… or Juvia just might tell everyone that you just lied… and we both know that everyone trusts Juvia more than Lucy-san!"_

* * *

So….

What's my purpose of living now?

I don't get it… why didn't God just let me die?

Well if he won't make me die… I'll just die!

I'll commit suicide… for Gray. He doesn't want to see me anymore, so he wouldn't even care, so I'll just die… but no one will care, that's the way I want it. I want everyone to be happy… but… just without me…

"See you in the nice life… Gray… I'm sure we'll be together then!"

I swallowed.

Hard.

Then the started spinning round, and I collapsed.

Then everything went dark.

* * *

**And she never woke up.**

**Sigh… suicide… I hate it. Just saying, but you should never commit suicide. Ahem… - I KILLED LUCY! NO! – Sigh… I didn't want to, but that's just how it turned out. **

**I hate myself.**

**HOW could I kill Lucy?! Nevermind, please don't hate me for killing Lucy! To be honest, Lucy should've just gotten over Gray and lived her life… maybe she would've met another man! Though I'd love it if Lucy had gotten revenge on Juvia! For some reason, I HATE Juvia, she is like, SO annoying!**

**So anyway, PLEASE review! It's the reason for my existence! It's the reason that I'm gonna make Juvia pay! Damn bitch... I'm gonna make you pay for seperating Gray and Lucy... if you didn't... LUCY WOULD BE ALIVE!**


	2. Exchap Confrontation

How could I have been so wrong?

It's all because of me, isn't it?

It's because of me she's dead.

I still remember when I came to her house to apologize for my behaviour.

* * *

_I walked in quietly, making sure she was home. "Lucy?"_

_No one was there, so I looked around, I didn't see anything unusual. The room was still neat and tidy, nothing was out of place… but why wasn't she here? Did she leave for the guild? Did she go on a job?_

_I walked into the kitchen, and my jaw dropped at the sight I saw._

_Lucy._

_Unconscious. _

_I ran to her side, shaking her up and down. "Lucy!" I exclaimed. "Lucy! Wake up!"_

_It was at that moment I realized something._

_She wasn't breathing._

_Tears started prickling down my cheek. "Lucy!" I yelled. "Don't you die on me, Lucy! Stop! Lucy! Don't die! Don't... don't leave me alone here, Lucy… I… I love you…"_

_But it was too late._

_She was dead._

* * *

I wonder how many days she had suffered living on as if she had no purpose?

I wonder when she decided she didn't want to live anymore, that she just had to die… that she couldn't live without me...?

If only I had listened to her, was she right about that Juvia thing? About how she lied about Lucy cheating on me? Now that I think about it… probably so. But I was so caught up in my own selfishness and anger that I didn't listen to what she had to say, I'm an idiot.

I should have believed her when she said-

"Gray-sama!"

I turned around. _Juvia_. Would she really do all those things…?

"Gray-sama, the service for Lucy-san is about to start." She told me. "We should go now to-"

"Why do you care?"

"Juvia begs your pardon?"

"I said why do you care?" I said. "After all, it was true, what Lucy said, right? About how you lied to me?"

"G-Gray-sama!" She said. "Juvia thought we agreed that she was lying! Lucy-san-"

"Lucy was telling the truth, and I was being an idiot." I pointed out. "You were being selfish and unreasonable."

"Even if Juvia did she-"

"Do you have any idea what you've done?!" I hollered. "Don't you feel the least bit guilty for any of this?! I'll point this out nice and slow for you Juvia… Lucy. Is. Dead. And it's all because of your stupid jealousy and selfishness!"

"Fine." She said. "Juvia really did do it. But that's because Juvia knows that Gray-sama and Lucy-san don't belong together! Gray-sama belongs with Juvia!"

"I belong with you my ass!" I exclaimed. "I should have listened to her! I should have listened to Lucy! Have you any idea what you've become, Juvia?!"

"Juvia…" She stuttered. "Juvia doesn't care! Juvia still loves Gray-sama! So do whatever you want to Juvia… she will still love Gray-sama."

"I'm not going to do anything to you." I said, voice even.

"Wha-"

"You can just take responsibility for your own actions!" I said spitefully. "You can just live the rest of your life knowing that it was your fault, your own selfishness, that Lucy is dead. Because she is, look at all those people outside with grim faces, some crying, sobbing, hell, I've heard someone say it should have been them… that includes me. It should have been me... so live your life in guilt, then you'll be just like…"

"There's someone else in guilt like Juvia?"

"Just like me."

Her eyes widened. "Gray-sama didn't do anything wrong!" She protested. "Gray-sama is perfect! There's no way-"

"It's partly my fault." I said grimly. "If I had listened to her…"

She remained silent.

"The service is probably over now anyway." I stated. "I'm going to go to her grave alone. You do whatever the hell you want with your life. Honestly, I couldn't care less."

I left the room.

* * *

I walked to her grave and I stood there.

_Wasn't she forcing a smile, trying to be so bubbly and friendly just a few days ago? _I thought. _Wasn't she talking, laughing, having a good time not to long ago? Why does that seem like such a distant dream now…?_

I sighed. It seems like just yesterday I met her.

"_Excuse me miss, would you mind lending me your under-"_

"_No way!"_

Lucy, who was always blaming herself, claiming she was useless…

It ended right when it was beginning.

Yes.

I'm in the same position she was.

_The time we spent together was fun… wasn't it, Lucy?_

It would have lasted forever if she wished for it… if I hadn't been such a fool…

The past…

The future.

All of it.

How could she still have loved me, even after I treated her so badly? She loved me till the very end…

For a moment, I couldn't feel anything. Nothing, just emptiness. Several more tears escaped my eyes and fell to the floor with a splash.

I had failed, yet another time. I couldn't do anything right. I couldn't love her. I couldn't trust her. What's wrong with me?

To her, I only have a few words to say...

"I forgive you."

* * *

**Disclaimer : I do not own Fairy Tail.**

**Pffft. Wow this story is sad. Really, really sad. Ngggh. If you think about it, Juvia might be as obsessed as to actually do that and not care about the consequences as long as she gets her Gray-sama. Nggh. **

**Please tell me what you thought of it! Review!**

**And please support my other story 'What a Boyfriend Should Do', and please vote on the poll in my profile **

**Please review!**


	3. Exchap 2 Here's To You, Lucy Heartfilia

"You're a coward."

The (dead) stellar mage turned around. "I beg your pardon?" She asked, and her eyes widened. "G-Gray?"

"Look at you, Lucy…" He took a step forward, and she took a step back. "I'm not going to hurt you or anything, but do you realize how much trouble you've caused?"

"Trouble?" She asked. "What do you mean?"

"Look." He said, gesturing below her. "Look at all the grief you've caused everyone, including me."

Lucy looked below her, where she saw no one. "There's no one there." She pointed out.

"There's me."

She looked down again to see that he was correct, Gray was down there, looking at her coffin with a grim expression while the others were at another side, saying their final goodbyes and getting ready to leave. _He… he came?_ She thought. _He… I thought he didn't care… he's with Juvia, he hates me… but… he… he… I thought…_

"There's a big difference between dreams and reality, Lucy." She looked back again, the supposed Gray was still there. "Maybe in your dreams I hated you… you kept telling yourself again and again that I hated you… so soon you started to believe it. I don't hate you… and if you don't believe me you can just look down again."

"Who… who are you?" She asked. "Why are you here?"

"That depends." He said. "Who do you want me to be? Who do you think I am?"

She looked at the figure in front of her, staring into those deep blue-black eyes. For a moment her mouth was dry, she couldn't say anything. She looked deeper into his eyes, and she could've sworn she saw him smile warmly at her for a second, but the expression turned to nothingness.

"I…" She finally said after a few minutes. "I think you're Gray."

"And what if I'm not?"

She took a deep breath. "I think you're Gray…" She repeated, smiling weakly. "No… I _know _you're Gray. But… you didn't come here to help me or comfort me did you?"

He shook his head. "I came here to tell you you're a coward."

She chuckled lightly. "I already know that." She said, smiling sadly. "I already know that I'm a coward, that it's my fault everyone's like this. You don't need to tell me twice how much trouble I've caused… but without you… without Gray… I just don't get it anymore. I've lost myself. I don't have the _will _to live anymore. I can't stand having him, you, look at me like I've murdered someone. I can't stand having you… him… whatever, look at Juvia with those eyes the way he used to look at me and tell me he'd always love me."

"Did you ever try to convince me? After that night?"

She opened her mouth to speak, but quickly closed it again. "…No." She admitted.

"If you had the chance to come back now, to try and fix it, would you take that chance?"

"…Yes."

"Do you want to fix this mess?" He asked. "Lucy?"

"Of course I do…"

"Good, take my hand." He ordered.

Their hands intertwined and a flash of light appeared, blinding her. "W-What is this?"

He looked at her and smiled.

"Your second chance."

She opened her eyes to see absolutely nothing. She tried to stand up but she hit her head and she winced at the pain. _Where is this…? _She thought. _Wait… a… a coffin?_

She knocked and realized she was right. _What'll I do? _She thought, panicking. _At this rate I'll suffocate and die… again. I've got to get out of here…. But how?!_

So she did the only thing she could. She screamed. "Someone! Someone help me! Anyone?!"

She kicked the door of the coffin again and again screaming out "Help me! I'm not dead!"

Natsu's sensitive ears perked up at this. "Lu…cy…?"

The faint cries of _help! Help! _Reached his ears once more. He jumped up and ran toward the coffin.

A certain ice mage noticed this. "Oi, Natsu!" He called out. "What're you doing?"

"She's alive." Natsu said. "I know she is."

Gray smiled sadly. "She isn't, Natsu." He said. "You just have to face the facts sometimes… she's dead, Natsu. You saw her corpse, you didn't hear her breathing… she's gone."

"No!" Natsu exclaimed. "Just listen!"

The two men were silent for a moment, and couldn't hear anything when a faint cry of help was heard. Gray's eyes widened. "Lucy?"

Gray got up and helped Natsu open it. They struggled.

Suddenly, the door to the coffin broke open and Lucy hurled at Gray and hugged him.

"Gray…"

The raven-haired boy was frozen in place. This couldn't be happening, really. Lucy… she was dead! Right? He saw her lifeless body on the floor, he cried, he begged, he regretted, surely this was all a dream! Her… back to life inside a coffin, there was no way! No… no…. this wasn't happening, there's no way… why didn't she come back when he was with her? When he found her alone? Why now…?

There was no way… no explanation for her sudden return… he couldn't move, he couldn't speak; his body was frozen and his tongue was dry… he was dreaming, he was! Surely… this was all his delusion. Not reality, a dream. Or was she an angel, sent from Heaven? But suicide only meant going to Hell, so it didn't make sense.

"L-Lu…cy…?" He said finally, still shocked by the fact she was here.

He slowly took her off him, getting a good look at her face. This was Lucy alright, but it still didn't explain how or why she was here.

He tilted his head a bit. "Lucy?"

The blonde girl smiled weakly. "It's really you…" She said, stroking his face. "It's really Gray… Gray… it's you, right? Gray?"

He stared at her. He could see that her eyes were misted with tears. "Yeah, it's me." He smiled warmly. "And… so this really is Lucy, isn't it? It's… it's my Lucy? You're my Lucy… aren't you? Right?"

She nodded. "I missed so much…" She said. "Gray… there was so much I wanted to tell you, but you hated me… you loved her. I thought you wouldn't care if I died or not…"

He stared speechless at her words. Did he really hurt her that much? Did she really care? "I've been an ass." He said. "I'm sorry…"

Behind them, a certain bluenette stood, glowering. "L-Lucy…-san…"

The blonde turned to look at the water mage and her smile faded. Lucy frowned. "Juvia…"

Juvia put on a believable smile. "Juvia is glad you're safe and sound, Lucy-san!"

Lucy's frown didn't fade. "…"

Gray stared at the water mage with his deep black-blue eyes. "You don't need to hide it anymore you know…" He said. "We already know and there's no one else here…"

"Juvia… is sorry."

"Stop it…" Gray said, raising his voice. "Oh… just stop it! Stop acting as if you care about any of this! You're the reason this happened in the first place… just stop."

"J-Juvia really is! Really!" She was on the verge of tears now, but Gray didn't care, he just looked at her coldly. "Juvia really… really is! She's sorry! She is, honest! Please… forgive Juvia!"

"Why you…"

"Gray…" Lucy made a gesture that said _stop… let me deal with this… please…_

The raven stopped speaking, and nodded.

"Juvia… you _do _realize that what you did was wrong, right?" She asked. "I mean, you basically killed me and all…"

"Y-Yes…"

"So… let's be friends, yeah?"

Juvia's eyes widened, what was this girl thinking? How crazy was she? She killed her, yet she wanted to be friends with her? "…"

"I feel like we haven't gotten off to a good start," Lucy went on. "So why not a second chance?"

"Thank you…" Then she ran off.

Lucy smiled at her boyfriend. "Everything worked out OK in the end!"

"You're crazy."

"That's why you love me!" She giggled. "But… everything's gonna be alright… right?"

"Yeah…"

"Just as long as we're together!"

"Yeah…" Gray said. "Well, here's to you, Lucy Heartfilia… may you live a happy life."

* * *

**Ugh it took me like a month to write this. My internet was being an ass so like yeah.**

**OK I'm gonna reply to this one review that asked me why I HATE Juvia **_**soooo **_**much. Here's your answer anonymous reviewer! I DON'T KNOW.**

**Really, I don't know. There's just something about her that BURNS ME UP. No it's not because I ship GrayLu fo' life. I've hated her even when I liked NaLu… Hey, it's a free country, I can say what I want. Like every friend I've asked says Juvia is weird. Lol.**

**Anyway I want to thank Spy Of Influence for giving me this chapter idea! Hope you liked it! Review! And check out my other story, What A Boyfriend Should Do.**


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